This time of year is always so bittersweet... and so very dark... it's hard to keep the soulfire going...

There is this song called Astronomyby the Blue Oyster Cult. Metallica did a cover... I've never listened to it before now.

It fits.

We are all affected by those we meet and keep in our lives in incalculable ways, often only becoming apparent on the leaving or parting of ways. These times are the most bittersweet in our lives...

... we have the choice to be bitter at the loss, or to see how this exchange has enriched us. It's a tough decision, but the answer is clearly evident.

If the ships left traces on waves,
We would rise up behind them by swimming,
If a medicine for all illnesses were songs,
We would save all the world.
It is a pity, but always there are these "ifs"...
And now we cannot fly in dreams like our childhood.
Now we see our friends less often.
Things are not as they were before...

Life goes on, and it is poverty to live in regret. Kudos, then, to those that come in and out of our lives, and may each passing bring a smile... and may we keep that energy and feeling in our souls. It is that, after all, what matters the most... otherwise, we are all but shadows and ghosts.

:)

Come to my Etsy shop. You know you want to. The droids you are looking for are there.

Click here for Playa Wolf Studio...



Yes, do come. Buy stuff. Your purchase will help support a quintessential rebel and bona fide artist. Come later, too, when I have more stuff up. I will have cards and bright primary colors and shiny things... I will send you love and pretties.

;)

Alpha, Love, Fire, Alchemy, just off the easel tonight. 14 x 18 acrylic on canvasboard. Enjoy.

I know I haven't been as open about my personal life and evolution as I have been in the past... and I am okay with that. It's been far too much trouble in the past and an open invitation to misinterpretation and drama; I just as soon keep it to myself right now.

This doesn't mean there hasn't been activity. I am planning a move to Eugene soon and I am working on getting back into an art studio and actually make a living off of it. If I get a day job, great... Greenhill Humane had an opening, and I applied. But the long term is to work as I want when I want and go where I want... I refuse to live and die by a time clock.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Wolf's gotta eat, though...

Maybe I'll start talking again... or maybe I'll paint it. Speaking of which, I need to get back into the studio tomorrow.

By the way, I sold the Orca.

Woof.

For Sale: A painting depicting the Northwest tale of a raven catching the sun. 16" x 20", acrylic on canvas. If you're itching for this painting right now, it's $300. The orca is still up for sale, too.

I should get prints made. :)

For Sale: A wonderful painting of a stylized orca! It's the first painting I've done in, oh, 15 years. 16" x 20", acrylic on canvas. I'm putting this up for $300. If you have any questions, ask. :)

The whole point of this fantastic exercise of hitting the road and moving to someplace new had a lot more with the desire to do something extraordinary with my life than just pulling a nine-to-five job and paying the bills. I was looking to do something meaningful, something fulfilling, and something besides being a consumer and a cog in the machine. If I wanted to just keep doing the same thing, I would have stayed where I was, done the same thing, and, well, there ya go... it was a path of live, work, and die all within a stone's throw of where I was born.

Forgive me, then, if I don't wish to live a meaningless nine-to-five where I am at now. If I am headed to that, I might as well roll up now and head back to Utah. It certainly would be a hell of a lot easier.

Here is the thing... the easy road isn't the one to take, and it's not one I am willing to tread. The fabulous spirit that we all have inside dies when we let go of the dreams we had as kids to do the menial and meaningless. I have spent far too much of my life listening to what I was taught as a kid, and it certainly hasn't brought me any success. It's about time I started listening to my heart, instead...

That said, I DO have to eat. I'll take the crap work for the moment... but I swear on my own blood that if I am still in the self-same place in two month's time, if there is nothing saved, if there is no progress to something better and beautiful, I am bolting. I refuse to live the so-called American Dream...

...I'd much rather live my own dream. ;)

I know I'll be okay, but things aren't easy. I gave notice to my last job a few weeks ago, due mostly to an anal-retentive owner and the fact that this place doesn't keep medical logs. I had an interview and had my car impounded in the process of going to it. I got the car back, but it put my bank account in the negative... and there hasn't been a replacement job and bills are still coming in.

In any case, it is evident that making a living on the Oregon Coast is not a viable option. I am focusing my efforts on relocating inland to Eugene. It is a bodacious little liberal city, and in spite of what I have heard to the contrary, crime does not seem to be more of a problem there than in Salt Lake City... this information from a number of long-time residents of Eugene. I was told that I should lock up my bike, but that's about it.

It's still a problem getting from here to there. Moving takes money, and it's something in short supply at the moment. It's apparent that the longer I am here the deeper the money pit will become. I am certain it will pan out, but it's scary boo... and I am quite sick of skating on the seat of my trousers.

Wish me luck.

I remember intently watching Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" series as a kid. I couldn't get enough... and it is one of the few happy memories I have from that unhappy time. This video brought that fuzzy feeling back to me.

Not doing so well with re-entry. I will say that the bright spot has been a brief visit from my dear friends from Colorado... I will have to send them something neat, because I want to.

As for everything else... well, there is no sense in talking too much about it. What can I say? The kitties were sick. I had a job, put in two-week notice on a job, told not to worry about two weeks, got another job interview, got pulled over on my way to said interview four hours from home, got my car impounded, spent all my savings to get car back, sitting at home without cash, job, or apparently a driver's license.

Needless to say I didn't make it to the job interview... and did I mention they broke my car in the process?

Just. Fucking. Lovely.

This is one of those days where I wonder what the hell...

So I don't talk about as much as I used to. I suppose I've learned something about keeping things to myself and finding another venue for my catharsis.

It's not like I haven't been inactive, though. I've been to Burning Man and I am still not adjusting well to the default world. (I'll get my photos up at some point. I put my camera away after the second day on the playa.) I came home and had a wall of bullshit waiting for me. I have also seen many of my most cherished friends these past few weeks. In the end of things, I confronted some issues, I've quit my old job and have interviews up in Portland for better jobs. Yes, five-hours-away Portland; yes, that implies an impending move. At least I'll be able to go back to school at some point... and I feel three-hundred pounds lighter.

So then... I am not saying much, and I am doing a lot more. I listen rather than talk. I stand amazed and disillusioned with this world at once, and all I want to have is my peace of mind. I don't need to blog to do that.

Yeah, there's a lot going on, but it doesn't really matter. Life will happen whether or not I am talking about it.

I am considering a job in Portland. For those of you who live in Portland, where are the better areas in town to live in -- i.e., somewhere where I won't hear gunshots or have someone won't try to break into my car every night?

Rental prices are an important consideration, too, but peace of mind and a good civic aura is better...

I will be wrapping up my Burning Man prep tonight and tomorrow evening, and I plan to hit the road Sunday after lunch to attempt a pre-dawn arrival at the gate. If you're at BRC I'll be at 2:45 and Chaos at Ranger Outpost East Berlin. I will doubtless have my own tales to tell when I make every effort to return on the 9th. I have a day at work waiting for me, and I will have guests to greet!

Time away soon to contemplate the next step in this mad Journey I call my life.

Time here now to go pack the tubs. I'll catch ya on the flip side. (And I still don't feel like I have a thing to wear...)

I understand that these are the warmest days of the year here on the coast, with temps in the upper 70's just a short distance inland. It's cool down at the beach, but I am just over a mile away and there is a substantial difference; I could feel the air getting warmer as I drove to my house.

I spent the time today getting provisions for BRC. I have coffee for the amazing gianormous coffee urn my campmates will be bringing in from Salt Lake, powdered creamer that won't spoil and sugar to sweeten the pot. I have food, collapsible water storage containers, lights...

...crap. A lot of my stuff that I had bought for burns I ended up selling at the yard sale this spring. The money helped and was critical to the move, but, now, well damn. Now I need to find a lot of it all over again. And I've barely a thing to wear, especially given my propensity to wear long, flowing skirts on the playa.

Rrg. And cranberry wine has inexplicably gone up in price... quite likely due to the fact that it's tourist season here. That may need to wait for the last minute. Anyway, I have a bin full of non-perishables, water containers, and most of what I need... my friends will be bringing me candycane rebar (!) and I have just a few more items to grab.

Quite frankly, I am pretty much waiting to go and bouncing off the walls. :p

Yes, I am indeed alive and well. No, I haven't the time to compose a lengthy and involved blog at the moment. I am working 40+ hours a week at a kennel and it is demanding work working with so many dogs and cats every day, so, umm, I am already up way too late.

I will be at Burning Man... about, oh, 2:45 and Chaos. I will be packing cranberry wine and rainbow sauce. I will be traveling in my own little red Honda. Tent fluffers will be welcome.

My relationship status is presently open and complicated. Weird, this, but it is what it is. I suppose that's what happens when one ends up living with their ex. Some things that were issues have been resolved, things are good, and the fact is that my ex has a S.O. in the next state and I am okay with it. So, it's open. Not that I have anyone available, but, umm, yeah. I could use a snuggle.

Not much else of note. It's beautiful here and I am outside a lot... not much time for brooding online... and it's just as well. I came here to heal and live and get my house in order, and that's what I am doing.

To all my friends... I will see you on the playa. :)

I go to work Monday morning.

I picked (yes, *picked*) the job closer to home at the boarding kennels over the vet tech-type jobs up north that I was offered, mostly in the interest of full-time hours and less fuel use and wear and tear on my car. My little CRX is in beautiful shape, but it does have close to 170K on it, and if I can avoid a commute the better I am in the long run, even if that commute is on the Pacific Coast Highway. Yes, it would have been nice to work in a clinic and learn more, but I have to weigh all the factors. More hours, less car working in a kennel vs. less hours and more car working in a clinic...

...in ANY case, a paycheck would be most welcome. I am quite literally out of money. So is everyone else here. Not that there isn't anything coming in the chute, but it's going to be skinny here the next couple of weeks until it finally shows up. Donations are welcome and encouraged.

So... that leaves me with a weekend here with no cash to do anything, and really not much to do. I have a push mower to work on... I suppose I can work on that, andget it greased and the blades sharpened... Hrm. Put stuff away? We've been doing that. There's a garden but it's just now sprouting and there really isn't much to do with it at this point besides watering. Go to the beach? Yeah, I will... as I did today. It's not far at all. It was blustery with the wind when I went out to the north jetty this afternoon, but that gave it a different flavor. I have a few pics uploaded.

I have a chicken in the crock pot, trees outside, and a job to go to Monday morning. Not to bad, methinks. Time to start the next episode in this thing called my life...

:)

Odd this... unemployment around here is officially about 15% and I have two job interviews this week. The first was today... they'd like me to come back in and do a trial day. The other job, which is closer to home and pays the same with more hours, wants me for an interview tomorrow. So umm, yeah. Cleaning dog kennels and giving medication to cats? Yeah, I can do that... and apparently there is a shortage of people up here who can.

I have been here 20 days, the standard Shikee unit for measuring time, as in it seems like she thinks I have been gone for twenty days every time I leave the house. We have gone for walks with Lisa, scratched in the garden (which, incidentally, is freakin' huge), and set shit on fire. Good times!

Ya know... I have been single for a while now, and I am still liking it. It's easy enough to fall back into familiar and comfortable patterns with Lisa, and we have both been down that road before... hence the necessity to keep things at arm's length. She longs for a man in San Fransisco, talks to him on the phone, thinks about him... but he is not here. I am. And that has me... in a strange place, no doubt. By necessity we are working together on this endeavour, and in that necessity seem to have worked through some of the old issues. Even so...

... I dunno. It's scary to even contemplate an old flame that blew up in the end, and I am not sure I would want that again. Maybe something different? Hrm. Something to think about... but it's not something I've spent too much time dwelling on. I have been far more focused on the business of finding work and surviving the first critical months in a new place. I know who I have loved, and I know who I would like here with me.. and I think those answers may surprise many and not be what many would expect. But I'll keep them to myself. New friends will come in time, travel to see old friends will come with the prosperity I know is on it's way, and things are good now, and there is no reason for me to fret over females. It will work out as it will need to, and it will be for the best, and I am wholly open to whatever that may be without expectation or pressure.

So what if Lisa decides she wants to spend her life with a man from San Fran? It doesn't change me. I am living in one of the most amazing places on the planet, and right now, that's more than enough to feed my soul.

Twenty days ago I was driving Lisa's stuff in a rental truck across eastern Oregon in the dark. Twenty days before that I was getting kicked out of my old room by a batshit crazy blonde for no real good reason. Twenty days before that it was snowing as I walked across campus to class. Who knows what the next twenty will bring?

I should be working before the week is out. As for the rest...

*shrugs*

A life can change in 20 days. Just ask Shikee.

Nite

Driving

Ocean crash

Seals in the sand

The end of the Journey

The end of the Great River

And there be Leviathans here...

And the albatross removed from me

I will find a new home along the shores

Because this is where the kitties need me.



First of all, I would like to tell the drivers in Boise FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING CAN'T DRIVE FUCK WORTH A FUCK FUCKING FUCKS.

That said...

The drive here was about what I expected from eighteen hours with a one-eyed Bengal in a gutless International. To this day I have not seen what eastern Oregon looks like in the sunlight, even though I have been through there several times... I just missed morning rush hour in Portland... and I was tired as hell when I reached Drain... but when I saw that scene along the Umpqua River with the mist rolling down the hillsides like one of those gorgeous Japanese prints you see in expensive Asian stores, I knew it was worth it.

So I pulled into the driveway, pulled out the basics, cleaned up the broken eggs, the spilled plant, the bloody diarrhea from a stressed kitty (she is doing MUCH better now, btw), I crashed. I have been running busy and crazy ever since, and loving every minute of it.

(Oregon Trail, Insert Floppy Disk No. 2)

... okay, where was I? Oh yeah... there are a few things that I was not expecting, minor things that make sense when you think about it but you just don't expect. Things like the way Windex behaves when you wash a window, for example. I am used to having it dry as I go, not having to wait for it dry. I thought I was not getting it clean and leaving greasy streaks all over the place! No, it's the humidity, the environment, the sea, the forest, the abundance of creatures that I have only read about that live and breathe here. I knew they existed before I go here, but there is something about picking up a banana slug for yourself for the very first time...

I spent the first week here unloading a truck, and now I am working for work. I have been schmoozing up the vet clinics and other similar places here, and I have a few promising leads and a lot more places to look into. In the meantime I have set up a new bank account with someone foolish enough to let me have a debit card (...why hasn't my old credit union transferred my funds yet?!? I need that cash very ASAP...), volunteered at the Coos County Animal Shelter, and yes, I have been leaning heavily on my GPS while I learn where all the basics are here, and learning just how good this GPS actually is. Vashti is running fine and strong...

...*thinks*...

The kitties are settled in and doing great. there were a few days when they were all freaked out from the thousand mile drive, but they are settled, healthy, and chasing crane flies with bright eyes and purrs in their bellies.

About the place... I am presently living on property behind the feed store in Bandon. The owner does animal rescues, and as such I have the privilege of knowing some wonderful animals. There is Tonka, a 2,400 pound Percheron stallion with a head bigger than my torso, a very friendly and ugly-cute pot-bellied pig, a pair of very friendly rail-thin goats, various bunnies, horses, kitties and dogs and a demented shaggy sheep we call Bill. It is in the woods only a mile from the 101 and two miles from the ocean; I can be on the beach in ten minutes.

Life is good, but there is still a lot I need to take care of here, and I am on a public wi-fi. The DSL should be on at the house in the next day or so. Perhaps I can find time to vatch up with everyone then, if I can pull myself away from the Amazing I am surrounded by for a few minutes. Until then, my friends... I need to figure out where the hell my cash from my old credit union account is and find something to do besides staring at a glowing rectangle in the morning.

Reset reboot, restart. Mmm, coffee sounds good...